For 2012 my New Year's resolution was to write one haiku every day. I did miss a few days, but I did much better than the last time a few years ago when this was my resolution and I failed to write any from January 2 through 8.
So, I'm actually a little surprised that this experiment is coming to an end. I think I may continue it. And in honor of the end of the first year and the fact that I'm leaving my book (one of those "daily diary" books that has a little inch wide space for each day) in Kansas when I return to Kyoto, I'm copying out some of the haiku that I actually like.
These are pretty loose haiku usually, many don't have seasonal references and anyway the official Japanese lists of seasonal words are actually secret (!?!) and in Japanese. I also usually follow the modern English haiku format of 2 stressed syllables, 3 stressed, 2 stressed, instead of 5 7 5 syllables, which doesn't really work with the form of English.
Over this year as I was writing them, I mostly felt like they were all really bad. Sometimes I just wanted to fall asleep and resented having to think and compose right before bed. Now, looking back though, I like a much bigger proportion of them than I remembered being interesting. I mostly thought that I hadn't written anything memorable and sorrowfully thought that rather than coming up with a larger number of decent haiku because I was writing an exponentially larger number of them than in previous years, instead I was writing roughly the same number of good haiku, and an exponential number of bad because-I-had-to haiku. So I'm pleasantly surprised looking back and reading them all now to think that a larger number of them than I remembered resonate with me.
The other thing that's surprising me is how absolutely recent, right now, present some of them make me feel. Reading many of them, I remember the moment, the day, I wrote them on and it feels like it was just yesterday (and I've only read up to the beginning of February as I type this intro!) January wasn't long ago at all. Something about these little forced verses brings it back with a surprising immediacy.
So, I suppose with a fondness for a year that feels so now, I will share with you some of the now of 2012, just in time for it to become then.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
in Kansas.
Happy Christmas everybody. We wrangled babies all day, then as it
quieted down, I continued with my exciting new project of resizing one
of my kimono to fit my long monkey arms.
Tomorrow: the serious work begins of finishing the diss edits in order to file before I go back to Japan.
Today: it was the last day of my defense/Christmas holiday vacation.
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| Sol's first Christmas |
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| Solomon in full Chinese baby novelty drag. |
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| Mimi & Yeye still keeping it real. |
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| Greg and Nigel have a father son moment. |
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| fyi: this is apparently not how you get the sleeve lining reattached to the exterior sleeve. But don't worry, I figured it out. I think. |
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Apocalypse
Today is/was the last day of the Mayan calendar. In New England, there's still one hour left for something to happen.
But here's what happened to me.
It was my PhD dissertation defense day and it didn't really go how I expected it would.
It goes like this: I left the dorm in Kyoto at 1pm, went to the station via bus and caught the Haruka express train to Osaka Kansai airport. Where I caught a 6pm plane to San Francisco, where I arrived 5 hours before I left at 11am on December 20. Brian met me there and we ate sandwiches in the airport. Then I checked back in, realizing somewhat sadly that I was not even yet 2/3rds of the way to Providence. Took the plane to Boston that landed shortly after midnight, where Dad and Dad's friend Roger picked me up. They are in town for one week from Kansas to remodel the bathroom. They are not from Around Here, and had had trouble getting the right terminal, so we went on a cross-country journey through Logan to find our way back to the rental car. Then I was supposed to direct them home in my not-slept-transPacific-traveling-for-24-hours-straight state. I did that, but most of the 93 south interstate in Boston turns out to be closed, so we were sent through the night in the rain around central Boston trying to get on to the interstate while detour after detour took us past three closed entrances.
We did eventually make it on to the interstate and home by 2:15am. Then, and here is where I make a critical mistake, we all went to bed.
Did you see what happened there?
I had thought because they're working on the house, they would make noise and I would wake up. I thought they had heard me talking about wanting to get up and read through the diss beforehand. I thought I'm all jetlagged and I'll wake up at weird hours. I thought they might realize that I don't have an alarm clock with me because it's in Japan and the apartment is rented right now. I didn't say, hey make sure I get up.
So instead, they were really really quiet to let me sleep, and crept around and went out. But luckily they realized my cell phone was left in the car, and came back to bring it to me at noon. Where I was sleeping, expecting to be woken up by the noise of two other people in the apartment. So Dad knocks on the door and says, hey, what time did you want to get up? And I said, what time is it? And he said, it's noon. And then I was extremely up and running around everywhere feeling extremely unhappy about the situation, but also knowing with a small part of the back of my mind that this was extremely hilarious.
So, here's another thing: I didn't bring any clothes in my suitcase, because I knew I had stuff stashed in the basement here and I wanted to save all my suitcase space from Japan to bring home tea stuff. I had one sweater which I never wear, so I figured I'd just bring it home, one skirt which I had used to cushion some ceramic stuff and two pairs of underwear, which I had brought just in case. So I put those things on. I couldn't find any socks, and I had planned to go down and raid the box of stored shoes for appropriate shoes, but there was no time for that, so I put on my airplane traveling grey boots and ran out the door with laptop and enough money to desperately buy a coffee and bagel.
Let me make this clear: I defended a PhD dissertation on clothing and fashion today and I had literally nothing to wear. Literally.
Dad dropped me off at the bookstore coffee shop in gale force winds in multiple directions and rain and I got a coffee and bagel and then struggled to the building clinging to my umbrella pulling me in every direction and coffee spilling down the bagel bag and my coat and gloves. The weather today was truly Mayan apocalypse weather with a cascade of pouring rain water onto the front steps to dodge and the fight with a full bag and my flyaway umbrella.
Inside, I had about 15 minutes before I had to be before the firing squad and then it was go time with my three committee members, one of whom came in rather storm-battered from Harvard today. As one might imagine from a defense that started less than 11 hours after the defender arrived in the country from the other side of the globe, and was therefore defending her dissertation half-asleep at the equivalent of 3am, it started rough. They told me I looked tired. I told them it was three am. I did not admit that I didn't even have socks, much less a coherent plan for the defense. I did not do the best job at the beginning summarizing what I was getting at and where I think I'd got.
Luckily, it got better and they actually said that some things about it are good, which I was not myself any longer convinced of, having been with it for so long and familiarity having bred both contempt and desperation. So that's exciting. In between excellent and helpful critiques and they HATE the title and want it changed immediately, a new term was even proposed for my methodology: a Carrigerian reading of something. And they said I could have a good book on my hands after I do the expansion and revisions. That it would be *hot* even, with some of the transnational and post-imperial work. Hot.
So those things are good. There are revisions to be completed over the next few weeks-- exceptions were made to accommodate the fact that today was the only time between Sept and next May that all 4 of us could be in one room. And I'm determined to make good on those accommodations and turn in in a couple weeks an awesome dissertation with excellent formatting and references and smart stuff in it. And go back to Japan on January 7 a very relieved and less-stressed Dr. Carriger.
But here's what happened to me.
It was my PhD dissertation defense day and it didn't really go how I expected it would.
It goes like this: I left the dorm in Kyoto at 1pm, went to the station via bus and caught the Haruka express train to Osaka Kansai airport. Where I caught a 6pm plane to San Francisco, where I arrived 5 hours before I left at 11am on December 20. Brian met me there and we ate sandwiches in the airport. Then I checked back in, realizing somewhat sadly that I was not even yet 2/3rds of the way to Providence. Took the plane to Boston that landed shortly after midnight, where Dad and Dad's friend Roger picked me up. They are in town for one week from Kansas to remodel the bathroom. They are not from Around Here, and had had trouble getting the right terminal, so we went on a cross-country journey through Logan to find our way back to the rental car. Then I was supposed to direct them home in my not-slept-transPacific-traveling-for-24-hours-straight state. I did that, but most of the 93 south interstate in Boston turns out to be closed, so we were sent through the night in the rain around central Boston trying to get on to the interstate while detour after detour took us past three closed entrances.
We did eventually make it on to the interstate and home by 2:15am. Then, and here is where I make a critical mistake, we all went to bed.
Did you see what happened there?
I had thought because they're working on the house, they would make noise and I would wake up. I thought they had heard me talking about wanting to get up and read through the diss beforehand. I thought I'm all jetlagged and I'll wake up at weird hours. I thought they might realize that I don't have an alarm clock with me because it's in Japan and the apartment is rented right now. I didn't say, hey make sure I get up.
So instead, they were really really quiet to let me sleep, and crept around and went out. But luckily they realized my cell phone was left in the car, and came back to bring it to me at noon. Where I was sleeping, expecting to be woken up by the noise of two other people in the apartment. So Dad knocks on the door and says, hey, what time did you want to get up? And I said, what time is it? And he said, it's noon. And then I was extremely up and running around everywhere feeling extremely unhappy about the situation, but also knowing with a small part of the back of my mind that this was extremely hilarious.
So, here's another thing: I didn't bring any clothes in my suitcase, because I knew I had stuff stashed in the basement here and I wanted to save all my suitcase space from Japan to bring home tea stuff. I had one sweater which I never wear, so I figured I'd just bring it home, one skirt which I had used to cushion some ceramic stuff and two pairs of underwear, which I had brought just in case. So I put those things on. I couldn't find any socks, and I had planned to go down and raid the box of stored shoes for appropriate shoes, but there was no time for that, so I put on my airplane traveling grey boots and ran out the door with laptop and enough money to desperately buy a coffee and bagel.
Let me make this clear: I defended a PhD dissertation on clothing and fashion today and I had literally nothing to wear. Literally.
Dad dropped me off at the bookstore coffee shop in gale force winds in multiple directions and rain and I got a coffee and bagel and then struggled to the building clinging to my umbrella pulling me in every direction and coffee spilling down the bagel bag and my coat and gloves. The weather today was truly Mayan apocalypse weather with a cascade of pouring rain water onto the front steps to dodge and the fight with a full bag and my flyaway umbrella.
Inside, I had about 15 minutes before I had to be before the firing squad and then it was go time with my three committee members, one of whom came in rather storm-battered from Harvard today. As one might imagine from a defense that started less than 11 hours after the defender arrived in the country from the other side of the globe, and was therefore defending her dissertation half-asleep at the equivalent of 3am, it started rough. They told me I looked tired. I told them it was three am. I did not admit that I didn't even have socks, much less a coherent plan for the defense. I did not do the best job at the beginning summarizing what I was getting at and where I think I'd got.
Luckily, it got better and they actually said that some things about it are good, which I was not myself any longer convinced of, having been with it for so long and familiarity having bred both contempt and desperation. So that's exciting. In between excellent and helpful critiques and they HATE the title and want it changed immediately, a new term was even proposed for my methodology: a Carrigerian reading of something. And they said I could have a good book on my hands after I do the expansion and revisions. That it would be *hot* even, with some of the transnational and post-imperial work. Hot.
So those things are good. There are revisions to be completed over the next few weeks-- exceptions were made to accommodate the fact that today was the only time between Sept and next May that all 4 of us could be in one room. And I'm determined to make good on those accommodations and turn in in a couple weeks an awesome dissertation with excellent formatting and references and smart stuff in it. And go back to Japan on January 7 a very relieved and less-stressed Dr. Carriger.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
T - 45
I'M LEAVING TOWN!
World tour commences in 30 minutes.
Osaka to [San Francisco] to Boston by midnight Dec 21.
Defend the dissertation in Providence at 1pm, Dec 21.
Retreat to the bosom of my family Dec 23.
Go to LA, Jan 5.
To Tokyo, Jan 7.
Back to Kyoto, a free woman, around Jan 10.
Love to all and to all a good night.
World tour commences in 30 minutes.
Osaka to [San Francisco] to Boston by midnight Dec 21.
Defend the dissertation in Providence at 1pm, Dec 21.
Retreat to the bosom of my family Dec 23.
Go to LA, Jan 5.
To Tokyo, Jan 7.
Back to Kyoto, a free woman, around Jan 10.
Love to all and to all a good night.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Everything now
Hi all! Ohisashiburi! Sorry it's been so long. Busy busy busy busy.
The poetic name for December is "Month of Priests Running" which is supposed to mean that even lazy priests are busy in this month.
The chakai is finished, the dissertation is all in (except for fixing up the bibliography) and the defense is in (this is truly unbelievable to me) one week.
I thought this would be two weeks of recovering and calming down, but it hasn't been that way this week. I'm still not getting full nights of sleep-- I wonder whether it just became a habit not to get to bed at a reasonable hour. That, and we've been drinking tons of koicha (thick tea) this week, which might be keeping me up.
Anyway, this morning, I was the first Midorikaisei out of the dorm and it was gorgeous gorgeous outside--early morning sunlight filtering through the mist and trees. It was, after the pain of waking up and the pain of getting dressed in the cold, hovering over a space heater
(about that: it's such a natsukashii--nostalgic--feeling. When I lived in Japan before I did the same thing. I didn't heat my room in the mornings, instead just rocketing out of bed, making coffee and then piling my clothes in front of the space heater and standing in front of it to get dressed in the morning. The checkered way that each garment I pull on has warm spots and cold spots like giraffe spots of heat and cool is such a funny and only-in-Japan feeling to me now.)
Okay. After the unpleasantness of getting up, stepping out into the dawn was a welcome gift, and I felt suddenly overwhelmed with the weight--the living freight of all the people, all the places, all the possibilities: what I've done, what I can do. The world felt very welcoming and full of care for me.
I thought for a second that maybe I should be fully present in just this moment, not the intoxicating and overwhelming feeling of all possibilities and memories and cares at the same moment, but then I also thought well, all these things are present within me simultaneously too.
I have this feeling from time to time-- an absolutely exhilarating feeling of immense richness and possibility... plenitude maybe?-- and it's also totally paralyzing. I can't focus on any one thing to do it when I'm totally prostrated with wonder. I think I need a course in fascination management.
It is luxurious and a privilege and it also kills me a little bit, this flooding unnameable feeling of loving people who are spread so thin around the world--and some who are no longer on it. And strangely, I seem to keep on functioning each moment, despite being scattered to the four winds.
And of course, part of it is the here part. I have that moment every day-- the what am I doing here?! This became normal! When did it become totally normal that I do tea every day and wear kimono and this is, like, WHAT WE DO?
And it became normal that we hang out in weird anonymous institutional rooms on beds with no sheets in Chaken (the building with the boys' dorm as well as all our common areas, like the utensils storage and a kitchen and a little tatami keiko (practice) area.) It became standard that we would work work work on arts and crafts and sweets until 9:35 when we had a few minutes left before curfew to throw everything together and rush down the stairs and out the door and not get locked in the boys dorm overnight, or cause a massive scandal. That's what I do now. For about the last five years of my PhD I've been dreaming about doing material, practical things that have lots of concrete evidence of my having done them (unlike writing, the bulk of which materiality evaporates in drafts and files and the ether). And I got it. We are making making making. Mostly making feelings, but in such close quarters with hospitality, I see just how material feelings can be.
Everywhere, every second
every attachment, sweet and
heavy on my shoulders.
The poetic name for December is "Month of Priests Running" which is supposed to mean that even lazy priests are busy in this month.
The chakai is finished, the dissertation is all in (except for fixing up the bibliography) and the defense is in (this is truly unbelievable to me) one week.
I thought this would be two weeks of recovering and calming down, but it hasn't been that way this week. I'm still not getting full nights of sleep-- I wonder whether it just became a habit not to get to bed at a reasonable hour. That, and we've been drinking tons of koicha (thick tea) this week, which might be keeping me up.
Anyway, this morning, I was the first Midorikaisei out of the dorm and it was gorgeous gorgeous outside--early morning sunlight filtering through the mist and trees. It was, after the pain of waking up and the pain of getting dressed in the cold, hovering over a space heater
(about that: it's such a natsukashii--nostalgic--feeling. When I lived in Japan before I did the same thing. I didn't heat my room in the mornings, instead just rocketing out of bed, making coffee and then piling my clothes in front of the space heater and standing in front of it to get dressed in the morning. The checkered way that each garment I pull on has warm spots and cold spots like giraffe spots of heat and cool is such a funny and only-in-Japan feeling to me now.)
Okay. After the unpleasantness of getting up, stepping out into the dawn was a welcome gift, and I felt suddenly overwhelmed with the weight--the living freight of all the people, all the places, all the possibilities: what I've done, what I can do. The world felt very welcoming and full of care for me.
I thought for a second that maybe I should be fully present in just this moment, not the intoxicating and overwhelming feeling of all possibilities and memories and cares at the same moment, but then I also thought well, all these things are present within me simultaneously too.
I have this feeling from time to time-- an absolutely exhilarating feeling of immense richness and possibility... plenitude maybe?-- and it's also totally paralyzing. I can't focus on any one thing to do it when I'm totally prostrated with wonder. I think I need a course in fascination management.
It is luxurious and a privilege and it also kills me a little bit, this flooding unnameable feeling of loving people who are spread so thin around the world--and some who are no longer on it. And strangely, I seem to keep on functioning each moment, despite being scattered to the four winds.
And of course, part of it is the here part. I have that moment every day-- the what am I doing here?! This became normal! When did it become totally normal that I do tea every day and wear kimono and this is, like, WHAT WE DO?
And it became normal that we hang out in weird anonymous institutional rooms on beds with no sheets in Chaken (the building with the boys' dorm as well as all our common areas, like the utensils storage and a kitchen and a little tatami keiko (practice) area.) It became standard that we would work work work on arts and crafts and sweets until 9:35 when we had a few minutes left before curfew to throw everything together and rush down the stairs and out the door and not get locked in the boys dorm overnight, or cause a massive scandal. That's what I do now. For about the last five years of my PhD I've been dreaming about doing material, practical things that have lots of concrete evidence of my having done them (unlike writing, the bulk of which materiality evaporates in drafts and files and the ether). And I got it. We are making making making. Mostly making feelings, but in such close quarters with hospitality, I see just how material feelings can be.
Everywhere, every second
every attachment, sweet and
heavy on my shoulders.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Chakai tomorrow~!
Tomorrow is the Christmas chakai, probably our biggest event of the Midorikai year. It's been pretty epic. The day after that, the last part of my dissertation is due. (aiee!) That is also even more epic.
So I've been busy. But more very soon, like after about 3 days, because I'm not actually going to make that dissertation deadline.
And in other news, hi Margie and anyone who found yourself here by way of Sweet Persimmon! Hajimemashite, welcome, and looking forward to hearing from you.
more very soon.
But first, I'm going to sleep on my kaiki in hopes that I can memorize utensil information and very formal Japanese through osmosis.
So I've been busy. But more very soon, like after about 3 days, because I'm not actually going to make that dissertation deadline.
And in other news, hi Margie and anyone who found yourself here by way of Sweet Persimmon! Hajimemashite, welcome, and looking forward to hearing from you.
more very soon.
But first, I'm going to sleep on my kaiki in hopes that I can memorize utensil information and very formal Japanese through osmosis.
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